I still feel heartbroken about ending us. But slowly it happens less often. Just now I remembered the day we spent in the gardens near your place, wandering hand in hand through Australian bush, finding bugs and planning our wedding. Yeah, we did that remember? You told me you would marry me right there amongst the trees one day.

You lied to me that day. You knew we wouldn’t last. You were even miserable within our relationship at that point. All I ever asked for was the truth, and I never got it from you.

You destroyed me, left me scarred and damaged. I’m finding it so hard to just let go and trust completely. Constantly probing, making sure he’s happy and okay. Because you weren’t and never let on.

I really wish we weren’t so entwined and reliant on one another.

I just wish I could hate you.

Sometimes i think we had it all. We were just too young. I’ve never again experienced something that unbridled and passionate. Every moment together all I wanted was to watch you, take you in day after day and fall in love with you again day after day. Still, when we drunkenly hold hands I catch you smiling like you used to.

I know it seemed I didn’t really care, that I was just in it for the ride, but I loved you, more than I could ever express. What I did to you, what I put you through is part of the reason I’ve become so open about how I feel. I never want to be that callous or cruel again. If I could redo time, things may have been different.

What we had is gone, forever lost in the pain and hurt we stupidly put each other through. But I’m okay with that. You will forever be the only girl for me I think. Because no one could ever love me like you did.

I’m glad we’re both happy, I’m glad I can still spend time with you. And I’m glad that smile still exists, and in those vulnerable moments I can still make it happen.

I love you DL, forever and always in one form or another. X

So I’m going to leave you a letter. Only a short one.

I want you to realise how amazing you are, and that you are priceless.
I want nothing more than to hold your hand and smile.
You are phenomenal, unique, unparalleled, unprecedented, unrivaled.
I know you’re still making up your mind, and I know you’re worried about time. But there’s no way I’m going to wake up one day and suddenly realise you aren’t what I want.

I think I’ve always known you’re everything I want. I just never really thought I would ever have the chance.

X

That moment you realize you’re excited to be single and just want to fuck bitches.

I feel like you’ve changed your mind completely.

Like I still wait on your text, and you couldn’t care less.

Or maybe I’m just being paranoid.

You came back within six hours.

‘I want us to be friends’.

Its a start, right?

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK

Everything is shit.
I’m shit.
I’m so shit I can’t even keep a guy who wanted me to leave my boyfriend for him.
I couldn’t even keep him as a friend because I’m a callous and malicious bitch once I’ve got wine in me.

I fucking hope he forgives me. Otherwise I’m just gonna give up. No one night stands. No anything. My love life can sink to the depths of the ocean.

All I want is him, why is that never enough for any of them?
All I want is someone to adore me as much as I adore them and to stay completely smitten and love me equally.

I would have given the world to you. I would still give the world just to wake up to your ridiculous snoring one more time. To have you kiss me like you mean it. To just have you hold me like there was nothing else in the world but me. I want nothing more than for you to tell me I’m crazy and gorgeous and you wouldn’t change a thing.

I’d never had that. I’d never been the most important thing to someone. There was always someone else better. This time there’s not even someone else. I’m just not enough.

You obviously had doubts from the start. Why rip me from everything I know then?
Fuck you.
Fuck this.
Fuck me.

I don’t want to be this angry. I don’t want to hate you because I don’t know what to do without you. You were my best friend in the entire planet. I could ring you about anything. You were the greatest guy I’d ever met. I don’t know if we can be friends. How can I just let everything we could have been go when YOU were the one who made it more permanent so quickly? I held back from including you in future plans and you cracked it. How is that fair? How is any of this fair? I left him, cried my eyes out everytime you weren’t around because I felt like the worst human being for leaving him for you. The only thing that got me through was how fucking perfect we were.

How the fuck did it come to this?

I wake up every morning unsure of my choice. Til you get that stupid grin and infect me with it.

It kills me that the guy I’m fucking looks at me with more emotion than the one I love does.
I’m not sure if we can fix this.

This week

Will be the toughest of my life if it all ends. Yet again I will be left questioning my sexuality, and wishing I could hate you, when I know that if you wanted me back you would have me again in a second.
If you give this up without even trying to fix the problem, it will probably put our friendship on an indefinite hiatus. Because it’s not fair. I get you’ve been unhappy, truth be told I have as well, but the stupid thing is I’d rather be unhappy and with you than miserable without you. Instead of addressing the situation we swept it under the carpet both too scared to hurt the other. But now, it’s out in the open yet I seem to be the only one hurting. I just want to hold my breath til I turn blue. Just to see if this weight lifts off my chest if only for a second. Losing you for a third time will come close to killing me, it’s already made me do things I gave up a long time ago and will leave a mark yet again. As always it’s the only thing that make me feel better, if only for a moment. I don’t know why, it’s just a release point for me.

All I’ve ever wanted was to help you get better, and now I’ve made it worse.

For some reason I stopped being so understanding and started being extremely demanding. I’m sorry for that, more than you will ever know. You are the best thing for me. That year and a half without you was the most emotionless time of my life. I even fell in love with another boy yet still couldn’t stop thinking about you. You are, and have been, my entire world since January 3rd 2009. If I could put one day on repeat forever, it would be January 5th that same year. I will never love another the way I love you. How could I when you’ll always have my heart?

I just ask you give us another chance. I’ll stop being so demanding and start being a little more understanding of your needs. Just gve me one month to prove that we can be happy together again. Please.
I love you my big silly mudkip.